Depression......

I am so upset, I hate facebook suddenly. I feel like deleting my facebook account, I really hate to see so many update by you...you never once thought how I feel, you make me feel so miserable now and you don't care at all. Now you are outside enjoying yourself and didn't thought about me at all, I feel so depress that you treated me this way. And it mean nothing to you at all.

I really hate guys right now, so many bad experience with them, even my close friend making me feel scared of him now.

I am feeling very very depress right now, and I don't know who to talk to. Because I know I not going to listen to anyone advice, I don't trust anybody at all right now. At least I use to trust people easily, but now I will have doubt easily. Think back, I don't trust people easily, I really have to thank my good friend for this, I don't know why I still friend with him who use to play prank on me and always lie to me and make a fool of me. I don't know whether I am stupid, dumb or a fool, I really hate myself being so easily forget how people treat me badly. Right now, I really feel like isolate myself or disappear right now.

I feel that I don't belong to here at all.......

Man can't be trust and naive woman is always the easy prey

I don't understand why man can be so desperate for sex and they think about it anytime of the day, they can think about it when they are working, eating, smoking, talking and even sleeping. If I got the chance I going to cut out a man brain to see how they construct.

Recently in Singapore 48 man had been charge for having sex with a underage prostitute. At first I felt that both parties are at fault but now I feel that all the man deserved it course they can't control their desire and being unfaithful betray their wife with this scandal. I can't believe some of the woman still forgive what their husband had did to them. Is sex that important till you don't care for your reputation and put it at stake, betray the one person that you going to grow old with and toy with woman on bed without thinking how the woman actually feel.

Woman is a very strange creature too, some even when crazy on thinking if she let the man have her, he will belong to her. What the hell she is thinking....!? He didn't promise you a statue, and most importantly his ultimate motive is to have sex with you and when the business done, you are nothing to him at all.
Sadly to say, this type of woman happen to be around the young age of 14 to 18 and 90% of the time, they will fall for the trap the man set for them. They always the easy, naive prey, man like to look for. The end result is always not good, either the girl commit suicide or they left with regret on what they have done in the future or even end up being prostitute, maybe she will have a child with no father.

Man on the other hand, still happily looking for their next prey until they feel that they found the right one but 70% of the time man will still cheat behind their back even they found the right one.

I had a friend that make me so disappoint with his behavior, he had fling who is younger then him. She is just 17.
I don't know what stage they are at now and I certainly don want to know, course he didn't acknowledge her as his girlfriend and this is what I call toying the girl feeling. Sometime I really one to give him a big tight slap on his face, he himself had been toyed by his ex girlfriend and should know very well that the feeling of being toyed is not good at all but instead of learning from the lesson he became outraged.

The girl on the other hand, she is too naive. She willingly accept whatever request my friend asked from her. I don't blame her as she is still young. I really hope that she not going to feel regretful when she is more mature to think.

I hope my friend will reflect what he done and stop hurting the girl feeling and think more about his future.

Ok, I don't want to say things like, I am sorry that I have not been blogging. I know I have not been blogging for so long but I seriously have not enough time for myself already.

I feeling that when people get older and older, they become more pessimistic then other youngster out there. I remember when we are young, we are full of energy,full of excitement in whatever we do and we have great ambitious not forgetting we are optimistic. When time pass and we get older, that is also when we have greatest responsibility, we start to forget our ambitious, our dream, we lost our energy that we use to have, we start to feel that we need lots of money to survive in this world. And sometime when you start to think back, you might even feel regretful on the things that you do or the decision you made that chance your life.

You will feel that if you didn't make the wrong decision, you will not be who you are today and you can be a much better person in life. ok.... My point is WAKE UP!!!!!!!!! You already made the decision so get a life.....!!!!! That what I been telling myself. I feel so stress now, with all the bill I have to pay, with all the other ironic things that you have to settle, and worse if you have other half that you need to worry about. I feel so OLD now, despite I am only 24 this year but funny this is the age I wanted to get married and have a happily ever after life......I know, I know... is BULLSHIT!!!! Ok...I still have my lala land that I can visit the life that I want but seriously this can happen if I make the right decision when I am young, saying all this now is just my regret.

I am jealousy of my younger sister now, she is married at the age of 23, she got a husband that dote on her. She might struggle a little here and there but the main point is SHE IS MARRIED and I am not. I envy her and I really thought of getting marry asap after her but now, I have other thought.

It is weird to say I am young when I already said I am getting older but I am young that I still can explore the world. I feel that there are a lot of thing waiting for me to explore and have to excitement that had been with me since I am young. I want to travel around the world myself, to meet people, get lots of knowledge and taste the world. Right now, I feel like I am being tie down by my work , my life and my debt. I feel scared suddenly that I can only wait till I am old, old enough to sit on a wheelchair then I get the chance to travel around the world.

Conclusion:

I NEED MONEY...!!!!!

I need lots of money to pay my bill, pay my debt and to travel....anyone out there one to sponsor me...????

I think I am dreaming now, I not like other famous blogger just two words anyone sponsor and that get sponsored.

Seriously, different people have different life. My LIFE is already a fullstop, I can't predict what will happen next but I can predict that I don WORK hard enough....I not going to survive through all this.....there are lots of regret but there is nothing I can change.

Now because of so many unfortunate and lucky event happen, I am going to make like a rhythm on what happen on the past fewssss month.....

I not as close as I am with my cousin now, I don't have a bday celebration but more of disappointment, my Christmas is a normal one spending it alone. I quarrel with Ruth and we can't be close as we use to be, I start my semester three and is ending soon, I still have lots of assignment to do and is never ending. I went to Phuket with ChengXun, Vincent, Yingyan, Zac and Ruth? (ya, right ruth) but not really that enjoying cause of some factor. I am getting fatter and fatter each day and when I mean fat I mean the size of Jack Black.....or simplify a pregnant woman. I feel depress right now, coz I don't know what is going to happen to me in future with my life like this and my partner is making me feel worse by not telling me anything and I know he is not doing anything for our future.

Ok....I admit I am lazy, it is going to rust here now. But no choice I do not have the time to blog at all.

Recently many things happen, didn't quarrel with my two cousin but because of a idiotic, pervert, bastard....I feel like I just lose two of my sibling. It was so ungentlement of him and the sign of him make me feel disgusted. He angry of my cousin S just because she didn't mention that she get to know three guy in her orientation camp and they just appear in front of him on my cousin S 21st birthday celebration. He make a scene and scold my cousin, scream at her and yap...she cry like mad la and worse part is, her friends had all arrived and were waiting for her to come out from the room.Imagine the situation, I was shock and I can't react what to do next. I try to defend my cousin S but I don feel that she appreciate what I do. I was so angry that I cried, I always cried when I get agitated and when I don't know what to do. I want to ask him to go away but my aunt say let him stay if not my cousin won't calm down...

Serioously I feel that is a total embarrassment for my cousin S, she keep crying in front of her friend and that bastard just keep being sarcastic like he is the main person that day. He was totally not a gentlemen, if he really like my cousin he should settle it after the party. Worse thing happen my cousin C start to CRY because she don't want to see them break up as she was close to them, and if you are on the spot, you will surely agree with me that she don't just purely upset that they are breaking out but instead had crush for that guy.

I really can't believe that this is happening in the chalet, my whole family was there. And if you will there, you are going to feel like bashing that guy up. Th funniet part is, after the friends leave and some of my family and me is leaving, Cousin S patch up with that bastard again. WTF..I really want to say that WTF WTF....so angry la....he still got that face to ask anyone want to play mj...not even one single soul want to answer his question. And I just say bye...and good luck...

So dramatic la....I really hate the bastard, but the most dissappointed part is my both cousin actually choose him instead of us, the family. All of us is so dissappointed, the last thing I heard about them is that my uncle demand cousin C to quit her join which is near to the bastard workplace and my cousin S got a big scolding by my aunt. I not sure whether is it true, as I really do not want to care abt them anymore.

Then when I go back home, I feel so bless that I am so fortunate that I meet my baby. I hug him and thank him for being beside me. But he didn't response to what I say lor, so sad=(
Anyway I know he actually love me very much just that he don't like to say it out loud...=)

Talk about unhappiness now I going to talk about stresssssss......

I am having my practicum week and not just practicum, I have a portfolio to do which is like around 20 pages. Not just this I have lots of ongoing assignment to do also, every week I surely receive gift name "assignment" it can be one or two but trust me, when you see all the assignment question, your brain is dead.

I try to survive through, I have no choice coz I am bonded and I need to do my part. Really hope that my assignment can be much more easier to do.

Money is another issue, tell me where can I make more money. I seriously indebt now, every month when I get my pay I just feel like it can finish in just two days because of the bill I build up every month. So stress and I been telling myself not to spend to much but my heart don't follow. Tell me what can I do, no money mean I can't go shopping~~~~~

I need to make planning for saving now, if not when I grow old I not going to survive.....=(

Oh no...I can feel that my blog is angry with me, I know I know, I haven been stopping by to take care of you, I was busy with a lot of thing.

One amazing thing, I AM GOING TO BE A TEACHER!!!!!. Can you believe that...haha... I was so happy. I actually fulfilling my dream now to be a teacher. Anyway I was sponsor to study a diploma course on this field of study. Never have I believe that I am able to fulfill one of my childhood dreams. Yes, I have a lot of dream but now only one is not a dream.

I am having lesson now, is very dry....I trying not to fall asleep infront of my lecturer. So this is also the reason I am back here. Feel bad that I am not listening to the lecture but if you had been to a lecture before, you should know how I feel. I totally not the type of person can tahan the whole lecture without distraction.

I also found something amazingly about me, I haven been falling asleep in class since I start school!!!! I was so happy and believe it a not, my past school life I only remb me sleeping through all of the lesson....hahaha....I am not bluffing so to me it is quite a big improvement to me that I didn't sleep in class.

I think time really go very fast, my sister is getting married this year on Christmas Eve, very romantic right...haha....been helping my sister on the wedding plan and I was very anxious and excited about it. I sometime still wish that my wedding is round the corner but I don think it is going to happen. I haven build up my career yet and Baby still have not make any mark for himself too.

Think I will stop here, maybe tml I will update again...=)

Ok, I ended up in the hospital because of my back pain, feel so handicap the first two day. And when I go to bath, The nurse had to stay with me and watch me bath. That was so embarrassing but no choice coz apparently I am being label "fall prevention", so if I fall down they are going to get blame.

One good things that I stay in hospital is just one button and the nurse will come, I keep pressing the button coz I can't even move out from my bed, even when I go for X-ray, they have to push the entire bed to the X-ray department. That was how serious it was.

Luckily after the X-ray and MRI, I don need to go for any surgery....thank god...haha

it was only a bouning disc which didn't press on any of my nerve so all I have to do is physiotherapy and more painkiller. Apparently I have sleeping pill too, which really help a lot as during the night my leg will be very numb and sometime sharp pain occur.

During the stay it was really boring I can't even go for a walk at the garden, most of the time I am actually sleeping and when I wake up, it is either I have my medication or is my meal time. I am like slp-eat, slp-eat, slp-eat-bath-slp.

I think the person that earn the big credit and I was so touch is my Baby, he acc me to the hospital in the middle of the night and after I am warded, he was still by my side when he actually didn't sleep for more than 24hr already, during his break time he will come down to acc for lunch too. My entire family also came to visit me, was so touch at that point of time. Also Georgina and Dai En came visit me too and spend a hour or more chatting with me and joke with me.

Message of greeting from Ruth,Glenn,Nadiah,Faizal,Rachel,Petrina, Joey, Jensen and Berry was also receive. So at here I like to thank all of you for the care and concern you all had shown to me.=)

Below is the foods that I ate the past few day when I am warded.....

Think I end my post here, the medication that I take is effecting now, going to have my nap now...=)

Checkup didn't went well, the doctor didn't say much instead give me three different type of antibiotic for me to try to which one I can have it.
But in the end, after I try the first one, and have a serious stomachache, I didn't try the next two...waste my money.
I am scared to try and later on I get swollen eye again how, I can't afford to get sick again. It is too expensive, and only make me sicken.

Having a serious backache now, don know what happen, I feel so old now. I got this feeling I might not see how I look like with white hair.=(

I don't feel motivated working now, the feeling is missing again but it is not a want but a need. I can't denied it is a concrete real hard solid truth about it. I need to work to earn moolan for a lot of thing. I just don't know which idiot start to create money and make everyone life so miserable, stealing, robbing, go mad because of bankrupt. But yet it is a fact that money make people work hard for it, if not this world is like pigz everywhere....hahaha.....

Schedule is getting lesser and lesser mean I getting lesser and lesser money, I don't know where to start with finding job. I don't feel like working back the same job scope I have now, looking for something more interesting and at least able to make me curious for a while....any suggestion??=)

CNY is like one more week, and I don't have the mood yet, maybe because I am not feeling well and I have to Bao hongbao to my mum and my grandma now, where to find moolaa, you tell me.

I got so much grumbling now but I not doing anything......-_-

Pls tell me, this is not happening to me, I not headache about money.....